QPOC Dating

Existing at the intersection between multiple marginalized communities can be a minefield. We’ve all seen the “no fats, no femmes, no Asians, no Blacks” on certain dating apps. Sadly, racism is still alive and well in the LGBTQ+ community.

Education is vital to combatting sexual racism and other forms of discrimination that thrive when they’re unchecked. So, we’re here to talk about some of the common stereotypes QPOC face in dating, and why they’re dangerous and inaccurate.

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QPOC only date other QPOC

This one is incredibly common – the presumption that Black women only date Black women, Latinx people only date Latinx people, and so on. Or, more broadly, that people of color only date people of color. This is a huge generalization. 

Some QPOC do prefer to date other QPOC or people within their own race. It’s actually pretty common – whether consciously or unconsciously – to date people with similar backgrounds and experiences to ourselves. No matter how much white people educate themselves about QPOC experiences, they can never truly know what it’s like to walk through the world as a womxn of color. Having preferences or gravitating towards certain people is a natural part of dating and ultimately it’s up to the individual, and no one should make assumptions that someone does or doesn’t have those preferences.

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QPOC aren’t accepted by their families

This assumption is often based on a similar assumption that QPOC families are more religious than white families. This is another generalization. Some QPOC families are religious, some aren’t. Some white families are religious, some aren’t. Some religious families accept their queer and trans children, and some don’t.

Women of color can face specific issues coming out in their families and communities, but assuming that’s true of all QPOC is reductive and erases the individual experiences of people of color. Just get to know each person and their individual stories, and don’t make generalized assumptions.

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QPOC are more/less sexually promiscuous

There are common harmful stereotypes that Black and Latinx women are more sexually promiscuous and Asian women are less sexually promiscuous. These stereotypes are dangerous and untrue. They are overtly racist, and exist to hypersexualize or desexualize women in certain communities. 

Stereotypes like these also erase the individual agency of women of color. Different people have different sexual preferences and sex drives, and that’s a part of natural human variation that isn’t based on someone’s race or heritage.

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QPOC are “anti-white”

This one exists in a lot of marginalized communities: LGBTQ+ people supposedly hate straight people; people of color supposedly hate white people; women hate men; and so on. Sometimes, in QPOC groups and circles (as well as in other circles of marginalized people), people will say things like, “I hate white people” or “ugh, straight people” or “men are trash”. This happens in most marginalized groups: women say they hate men, POC say they hate white people, and LGBTQ+ people say they hate straight people.

Generally, this is an example of metonymy, which is a type of metaphor where we substitute the thing we mean for something simpler or more informal. Saying “I hate white people” actually means “I hate the systems that give white lives more importance than POC lives, cause racial discrimination, and make POC’s lives harder because of their race”. It’s a hatred of systemic racism and the white people who uphold or don’t fight against it. It’s not a personal attack and it doesn’t necessarily mean a person won’t be friends with or date white people.

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Find your community on HER

HER is a safe, inclusive space for all LGBTQ+ people. Whether you’re looking to date, hook-up or just chat with like minded women, HER allows you to connect with people like you. In our Communities tab, you can join groups with only QPOC, or groups that align with your age, gender identity, romantic style, or interests. Whatever you’re looking for, you can find it on HER.

This post was contributed by the HER App team.